There’s a fine line between guiding your kids and unintentionally harming them with your words.
Words are powerful, especially when they come from parents to their children. They can shape a child’s self-image, worldview, and overall mental health.
But sometimes, parents say things without realizing the negative impact their words can have.
Psychologists have identified certain phrases often used by irresponsible parents. These are things said without ill intent, but can do more harm than good in the long run.
So, let’s delve into the psychology behind these phrases and understand how to avoid them.
1) “Because I said so”
Parenting is not an easy job. It often involves making tough decisions and setting boundaries for our children.
In these moments of challenge, some parents resort to this phrase. It’s a quick and easy answer that avoids the need for further explanation or discussion.
However, psychologists warn that this phrase can be detrimental to a child’s development.
Legendary child psychologist Jean Piaget once said, “The goal of education is not to increase the amount of knowledge but to create the possibilities for a child to invent and discover.”
When parents use this phrase, they are shutting down an opportunity for their child to understand, question, and learn. Instead of encouraging curiosity and critical thinking, this phrase promotes blind obedience.
Parents should aim to explain their reasoning in a way that their children can understand. This opens up a dialogue and fosters a healthy relationship built on mutual respect and understanding.
2) “You’re just like your [parent]”
Growing up, I remember clearly how these words stung when they were thrown at me. “You’re just like your father,” my mom would say with an exasperated sigh during disagreements.
Comparing a child to their other parent in a negative light can create a damaging self-fulfilling prophecy. It can make the child feel like they are destined to inherit their parents’ perceived flaws and mistakes.
Dr. Carl Rogers, a well-known psychologist, once said, “What I am is good enough if I would only be it openly.” This quote emphasizes the importance of embracing individuality and not getting caught up in comparisons.
Every child is unique and should be encouraged to develop their own identity, rather than being labeled as a replica of their parents.
As parents, our role should be to guide and support our children in discovering who they are, not dictating who they should be based on our perceptions or experiences.
3) “I do everything for you”
This is a phrase that has slipped out in moments of frustration, even from the most well-meaning parents.
At face value, it may seem like a harmless vent of parental frustration, but this phrase can plant seeds of guilt and indebtedness in a child. It can make them feel like they owe their parents for providing basic necessities and care.
The renowned psychologist Abraham Maslow once said, “A first-rate soup is more creative than a second-rate painting.” This quote reminds us that every act of care, no matter how mundane or routine it seems, is an expression of love and creativity.
As parents, it’s important to remember that providing for our children’s needs is not a favor we do for them – it’s our responsibility.
Instead of burdening them with feelings of guilt or obligation, we should aim to create an environment where they feel loved and cared for unconditionally.
4) “You’re always/never…”
I recall my own parents occasionally resorting to absolutes like “You’re always late,” or “You never listen to me.” It’s an easy trap to fall into when you’re feeling frustrated or overwhelmed.
However, using absolute terms can be damaging. It boxes the child into a certain behavior or characteristic, potentially leading to a negative self-fulfilling prophecy.
When we label our children with absolutes, we’re robbing them of the opportunity to rise above challenges and improve.
Instead of focusing on negatives, it’s healthier to encourage our children with positive reinforcement and acknowledge their efforts in overcoming obstacles.
5) “Don’t cry”
It may seem counterintuitive, but telling our kids “Don’t cry” might be doing more harm than good. While it’s often said with the best intentions, to soothe or quiet a child, it can inadvertently teach them to suppress their emotions.
As the father of psychoanalysis, Sigmund Freud once said, “Unexpressed emotions will never die. They are buried alive and will come forth later in uglier ways.”
When we tell our children not to cry, we’re telling them that their feelings are not valid or important. This can lead to emotional repression and difficulty in handling emotions in adult life.
Instead, we should be teaching our children that it’s okay to express emotions and that it’s perfectly normal to cry when they’re hurt or upset.
This fosters emotional intelligence and helps them grow into emotionally mature adults.
6) “You’re too sensitive”
Labeling a child as “too sensitive” can be damaging to their emotional development. It invalidates their feelings, making them question the legitimacy of their emotional responses.
Erik Erikson, a renowned developmental psychologist, said, “In the social jungle of human existence, there is no feeling of being alive without a sense of identity.”
When we label our children as being “too sensitive,” we’re making them question their identity and their emotions. Over time, this can lead to self-doubt and low self-esteem.
Instead, we should acknowledge our children’s feelings and guide them on how to manage these emotions effectively.
This helps them understand that it’s okay to feel deeply and supports them in developing healthy emotional responses.
7) “I’m disappointed in you”
Growing up, hearing these words from my parents felt like a punch in the gut. This phrase carries an emotional weight that can have a lasting impact on a child’s self-esteem and self-worth.
The eminent psychologist Carl Jung once said, “I am not what happened to me, I am what I choose to become.” This quote underscores the importance of focusing on growth and potential rather than dwelling on mistakes or failures.
When we express disappointment in our children, we’re focusing on their shortcomings.
Alternatively, we should emphasize learning from mistakes and encourage resilience. This approach nurtures a growth mindset and empowers them to overcome challenges.
8) “Wait until your father/mother gets home”
This phrase can induce anxiety and fear, as it portrays the absent parent as a figure of impending punishment. It also undermines the authority of the parent who is present, creating an imbalance in parental roles.
When we use this phrase, we’re not just threatening our child with punishment, but also disrupting a balanced parental dynamic.
Instead, we should aim for immediate and appropriate consequences that teach our children the correlation between actions and their repercussions.
9) “Stop acting like a baby”
This phrase may seem innocuous, even logical, when dealing with a child who is behaving immaturely. However, it can be counterproductive and harmful.
Dr. John Gottman, a renowned psychologist whose work focuses on emotional intelligence, states, “Emotion coaching is the key to raising emotionally intelligent kids.”
When we tell our kids to “stop acting like a baby,” we’re denying them the experience and validation of their emotions. Instead of dismissing their feelings, we should be guiding them on how to navigate their emotions appropriately.
This helps them become emotionally intelligent individuals who can express and manage their feelings effectively.
10) “If you really loved me, you would…”
I can still recall the guilt I felt as a kid whenever this phrase was directed at me. “If you really loved me, you would clean your room,” or “If you really loved me, you wouldn’t argue.”
This phrase manipulates a child’s love for their parent, making them feel that their love is conditional and dependent on their behavior.
Using love as a bargaining tool can distort a child’s understanding of unconditional love. As parents, we should express our love for our children irrespective of their behavior, while still setting clear expectations and consequences for their actions.